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Put your records on, tell me your favorite song; girl, go ahead, let your hair down  
08:43pm 29/01/2008
Katie Scarlett
I broke up with Kelly tonight. I feel terrible about it. I didn't want to be another failure in his book, but I am. I think he thinks it's his fault, or something he did, but that's not really what it was about. I think if we had waited longer after I left Damian, things would have worked out beautifully. I don't know; if I ever grow up I'd like to try again, but I'm sure Kelly's not interested in trying again with me, ever.

I wonder if he'll still be friends with me? Or Damon? Or if he'll just walk out of our lives forever after he picks up the last of his stuff? I really hope that doesn't happen.

I don't know if I know what it takes to be a good girlfriend. I can barely understand what goes on in my mind...how can I expect anyone else to? When times like these come, all I do is hurt people, the people that I love the most. They try to understand me and make sense of the words that come out of my mouth, but in the end, I am a destroyer. That's all I'm good at.

Is it possible to love someone, and want very badly to be with them, but at the exact same time want nothing more than to run away?

Perhaps I just need some time alone.

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One and one and one is three  
04:02pm 29/01/2008
Katie Scarlett
I had a dream last night. It was pretty strange, pretty graphic. What happened was, I was sitting in this room, and all the men I've ever slept with came into the room. Well, not ALL of them. One had laid on his back on the floor, and then the next one went and, facing him, sat on his dick. Yes, with it inside his butt. He laid back so that their heads were pointing in different directions. The next guy came and did the same thing, so that he was laying with his head facing the same way as the first one. They kept doing this, back and forth, until there were none left. I climbed on top of the pile and sat on the dick of the guy on top (strangely enough, I can't remember who it was). He pointed at this button on the ceiling, so I reached up and pushed it. Two pointed steel rods came down from the ceiling and pierced the two stacks of men, one through each stack's heart. They started twitching, and I had the most intense orgasm I had ever felt. I woke up, and my underwear was soaked.

Is there something wrong with me?

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Love will find a way, just give it time  
03:09am 26/01/2008
Katie Scarlett
So I didn't want to say anything and jinx myself, but I'm too excited.

Some lady from Peoria called and asked if I was interested in working as an assistant manager for "a restaurant". She didn't say which one, but I don't really care. It sounds a little fishy, but whatev. She was asking me about the Hut, and asked about what kind of job I'd like to have if I could choose anything, and then asked me in for an interview on Monday. w00t! She kinda threw in toward the end that it was a job starting out at $24,000. I got pretty silent at that point; that's about $10,000 more than I was making at the Hut.

I know, I keep saying I'll never work in food again. Maybe this is a sign that I'm supposed to do this? If it pans out and I get the job, I'll have plenty of money to save for a car. Maybe even an education...but I'm keeping my expectations low.

I'm already anticipating the interview. Every scenario I run through my mind ends with me saying something so ridiculous I get laughed out of there. Well, I can say one thing if it works out, though, and that is that Monster.com really does work.

I really hope I get the job. They wouldn't have called me if they weren't interested, right? So I have nothing to worry about. I just have to be confident, think my answers through thoroughly, and get that job. If it doesn't work out, I could always work with Damon. Apparently his boss wants me, too.

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Every day I love him just a little bit more, and he loves me the same  
02:09am 23/01/2008
Katie Scarlett
For some reason I had a stick up my ass tonight and was a total cunt to Kelly. I feel terrible when I do shit like that. He's never done anything to me to deserve treatment like that. *sigh*

I was talking with Kelly on the phone after he left and I said I wanted to go to a Gathering but I didn't think he'd approve or even be interested. I told him that I felt something at every Gathering I've been to, but since I came back to Pekin, I've been slowly forgetting what it was. I remember now what it is that I lost. I've forgotten what it's like to have a family. I don't know how to explain it. I've got friends, and they are as close to a family as I'll ever have, but there's something about being there that is entirely unique and fulfilling.

Kelly doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm crazy. It feels kinda nice. It also feels great when he tells me that I'm half of this relationship, damn it. I'm so used to undervaluing myself that I don't know how not to.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to balance having him be #1 in my head, and also myself.

I spent hours working on this rough idea for a huge back tattoo I want...Collapse )

Of course it wouldn't look exactly like that...because this picture sucks. But the basic elements are there:

1. Clouds, which are mainly for filler because it goes with the Gemini theme I'm sure I'll continue on my body...because the sign is ruled by the element air, which is why I have this "air" tattoo:
2. Two people, Circe and Mercury, which have so many meanings just in themselves. Everyone knows I love Circe, and Mercury is the planet that rules the Gemini house. Plus, the two of them together (they'll be holding hands when I get it done...I don't want them exactly in the position they are in my rendering but I'm not good at taking something out of my head and making it real) are an interpretation of the twins themselves, and also a kind of personification of the masculine and feminine parts of my personality.
3. The tree, which has its own special significance known to me only and for reasons I might never divulge.

I also don't know if it would be too detailed for a tattoo (keep in mind I want this to be HUGE, like, all the way across my back and up to three quarters of the way down it if it needs to be), but I'd like to have Circe reaching for an apple off the tree, while Mercury carves various symbols into the tree: a delta, the Gemini sign, stuff like that. Well, maybe he could just have one hand on the tree trunk and one arm around Circe, while she's got one arm around him and she's reaching for the apple with the other.

In retrospect I realize that maybe I didn't do a good visual interpretation of what I wanted...it's very, very general. I don't even care, though, because I would take that in to a tattoo artist and explain to them what I want and have them draw me up fresh art anyway.

It's on.

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Trying to keep a level head  
11:27am 14/01/2008
Katie Scarlett
Damian is having yet another one of his crises where he decides he doesn't want friends anymore because they take too much and give nothing in return.

Kelly wants me to make a list of all the things I'd like to change about our relationship by the six month mark. I think to myself, what if it's too late to solve some of them?

Damon's hours are getting cut significantly so I need to get a job, and fast.

I sit and think about how nice it would be to live alone again. Then, I remember just how alone I was when I was alone. It's a very sick feeling.

I hate having to be vague in my own blog.

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After this, you'll be begging for more  
01:15am 27/12/2007
Katie Scarlett
Due to massive consumer demand (okay, so it was one person) I have decided to get off my lazy ass and get the pictures from Damon's birthday off of Kelly's MySpace. There's like, fifty of them, and that is not a joke, so take the time and get to know a few of the people I talk about regularly (kind of)...

Click here for tomfoolery and other such nonsense...Collapse )

I told you it was like, fifty pictures!

Comment now or wither where ye be.

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12:25am 21/12/2007
Katie Scarlett
NOOOOOOO!Collapse )

Work is blah. Wish Christmas and winter were over.

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You can only be so callous to a person before they turn away  
01:58am 10/12/2007
Katie Scarlett
It seems like the only time I get on here anymore is when I can't sleep because some stupid problem of mine is keeping me up.

I love Kelly, I really do, but I'm truly not sure on how committed he is. I know, every time I've ever said that about him, he's done some amazing thing or another and then I feel guilty for days for even thinking of underestimating him. I don't know...I feel really confused. Things have been kinda shaken up in my head lately.

I saw Maggie when I went in to solve Victoria's safe key crisis at work today. She was sitting there with Jon and his parents, and they said Jami and I guess her man were in the bathroom. It made me really sad to see them all sitting there smiling and laughing with each other. I've been thinking so much about how bull-headed I was whenever Maggie and Jon got together; I wanted her all for myself, because she was such a perfect friend to me in every way. When I didn't get what I wanted, I shoved her away with both hands. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I want so badly to go to her and apologize and cry and beat my fists on the ground and beg her to please look past all the horrible things I've done and please be my friend again. Seeing her sitting there was such a surprise. She didn't look as though she had changed a bit, but I know she must have changed just as much as I have. They tried asking me how I was doing, what I've been up to, but I completely interrupted them and went on to tell this lame anecdote about Kelly's windshield wiper blades. I couldn't bear to have her ask me what I've been up to. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, because I threw away our friendship and she shouldn't have to be forced to be polite and act interested in my pathetic existence.

More and more every day, Kelly reminds me of my father. It's not a lot of little reasons that add up to a sort of similarity, though. It's one personality trait or behavior pattern or whatever you want to call it that just shines through every day and it's the one thing that really hurt me the most about my father. No matter how hard I try to be perfect and go the extra distance and do little things that mean something (or not, as the case may be), I always fuck up. There's always something that I do wrong. Today, I went out to get rent money from my bank, and then get some food. Well, I ended up getting new wiper blades for Kelly, who ended up saying that his old ones were fine, so he completely deflated the good feeling I had going from that. I went to Taco Bell and got what I thought was what he wanted: three hard shells supreme, no lettuce, side of nachos. It turns out that I fucked that up, too. He doesn't like them supreme, he only likes the normal kind. He absolutely detests tomatoes of any kind, and sour cream completely masks the taste of anything else that it is served with. I kind of sat there after he went on about the tacos, and he asked me why I wasn't talking. I shot back with, "You know, maybe sometimes before you go on about how I fucked everything up, you could just say thank you." I didn't say it all bitchy-like, though, I was actually feeling pretty emo. You know, you fuck stuff up so many times in a row and you stop being aggravated and start wondering if maybe your dad was right and you are just an all-around fuck up.

He told me that the whole taco thing is small shit that he doesn't even really care about, he just finds it frustrating that I don't pay close enough attention to him and the things he likes so that I can efficiently please him all the time. That really blew me away. I do pay attention, and I know a lot more about him than he does about me. I know that he's attentive and he makes notes of the things that make me happy and make me mad (example given momentarily), but when does he ever put forth the effort to do something that makes me smile or feel more comfortable or whatever? He said that I should have known about the fucking tomatoes because every time I talk about tomato soup he talks about how much it sucks, and he never eats ketchup, etc. He supported the "you should have known" statement with: "I know that you don't like swiss cheese on your burgers." I didn't say anything in response. It just goes to show that maybe the psychologists are right and you really do gravitate towards people that remind you of your parents. I don't WANT to be with someone that reminds me of my dad, though. I hate the fact that I see him so much in Kelly as it is.

--The "I don't like swiss cheese on my burgers" thing was referring to yesterday. We went to Wendy's and I ordered a jalapeno cheddar burger. That's all I wanted on it. Jalapenos, cheddar, beef. I opened it up, and it had a slice of swiss on there. I sighed and shook my fist at it, because I was, at that moment, fully expecting it to be cheddar. I don't truly mind swiss cheese, though. I think jalapeno swiss burgers are just as good as cheddar, but at that moment, I wanted cheddar. He just assumed that I don't like swiss in general.--

I really don't want to be unhappy with Kelly. Whenever I'm with him, I really do feel happy. It's when I have to actually do things for him that I fuck up so horribly and then feel like shit the rest of the day, and he gets frustrated because I'm not attentive enough. Why can't I tell him how I feel? Probably because I'm expecting a response similar to one I would have gotten from my father--keep your problems to yourself, stop being such a whiny woman, you're just making things more difficult than they need to be--and I don't want to hurt myself like that. I mean, what if I do go to say something to him and I do get a response like that? I'm going to sit and stew and be like, I should have fucking known this was going to happen, I feel so fucking stupid that I brought it up in the first place, etc, etc.

I did say something to him though about something he does all the fucking time that I really am starting to hate. Every so often, he'll just look at me and shake his fist and say something like, "I'm going to punch you in the face." Reading it, it sounds way, way worse than what it actually seems in reality, but still. He says it at least fifteen, twenty times a day. I told him I didn't like that he said it to me all the time. I treat him with love and respect. Why can't he give me at least a little bit of respect, just in return for that? But he said that he's said it so many times now, and he hasn't done it yet; there's nothing to be bothered about or worried by. I truly don't think he would ever hit me. I really don't think he has it in him to hit a woman. But still. How would you feel if your boyfriend said it to you that many times a day? I'm not over exaggerating; I think I might actually be underestimating the real number. Either way, it doesn't even matter because I'm just painting him out to be a huge dick and now everybody's going to think I'm dating some kind of scumbag who treats me like shit and threatens me all the time. I'm sure you're all missing the true point of why I brought up that part of our relationship, the deep inner feeling that I can't express with words and can only be felt and read between the lines. I'm sure you only care about the fact that he says what he says. Fuck it. I'm tired of everything.

I really do feel like a complete and total failure. I feel as though nothing I've ever done has amounted to anything, and I will never do anything correctly that is worth anything. I mean, deep in my heart I have this feeling that I am going to do something huge some day, but I'm starting to think that I just made up that feeling in my head in order to keep my spirits up. Now, I'm starting to see through that made up little light in my heart because the glaring reality of my past, present, and future failures is too much to ignore. I have done nothing with my life and I have nothing to show for it. I will be a worthless nobody that screws up everyone's life that will ever get to know me. I'm not saying this for attention. I mean, this is something that I really believe. I don't care if you think your problems are worse than mine; I don't want to hear about them. I'd rather just sit here and be emo until I start to feel tired, then I can go to bed and lay there until Kelly wakes up for his dentist's appointment.

The dentist is another thing that I fucked up that Kelly makes me feel like a fucking stupid moron about, but I'm too depressed to write about it.

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You are only alive because someone has decided to let you live  
07:21pm 03/12/2007
Katie Scarlett
I suppose I'll finish whatever it was that I was talking about before.

Let's see, I had already gone over my frustration with Kelly and Damian, work, and all that.

I'm also frustrated with Damon because he lost his job again. I mean, it's not really a huge problem...I guess I shouldn't lie to myself. I just know that he will read this and probably get pissed at me again. Fuck it, this is my space to use. I'm pissed that he lost his job. He acts like it all wasn't his fault, but damn it, every time he would come home from work he'd tell me some new story about how he called some coworker a bitch, or told his boss to fuck off or whatever. Is it really that surprising? He should have been trying harder to be less anti-social toward his coworkers and bosses. I mean, he says he misses his job, and it's the best one he's had or whatever, but it's not like he even respected it in the first place. I think he kind of got this mindset after he got rehired that he could do whatever he wants and not get in trouble because his bosses were all buddy-buddy with him. Plus the fact that he got fired and then rehired...I could see how someone could get this invincibility complex.

Why do I have to be the one paying all the bills? Why does he get to sit here and play on his computer all day because it's cold outside, while I go out and bust my ass to keep us in this place? I'm not saying he's not trying, because he is, but why did he have to care so little in the first place? It's like a slap to my face that he disrespected his job so much. Does he just expect me to be there and pick up his slack whenever he decides he needs a little vacay from working?

The other day, I was on my way to Denny's to see about Katie helping me get my phone turned back on. Damon asked if he could come with, and I said okay. Well, when I went down to tell Damian (who wa picking me up to take me there with him), he said no, Damon can't come. Well, I went back upstairs to tell Damon that he wasn't invited, and he got so pissed he ripped an even bigger hole into his door than was already there. Why is violence his first action on whenever he's placed in a situation he doesn't like?

I told Kelly that I was kind of scared of being around Damon if he kept going on for a while without a job (like he did the first time he got fired). I mean, what happens if Damon just sits here rotting for months while I keep getting more pissed off about busting my ass to keep us in here? What if I get so pissed off that I say something to him about it? What happens if he decided that he has nothing left to lose and decides to beat the fuck out of me? It's not that far-fetched. He could easily reach the conclusion, "Well, jail's got to be better than sitting around here with Katie bitching at me all the fucking time." Plus, I've heard what he says. It's almost like he's passing off his problems onto me, like they're my fault.

There's something that I want, once Damon gets a job, and I know I'll never get it. I want a refund for all the bills I pay for him, starting with next paycheck (since he's getting one this week). Why should I have to sacrifice money that I could spend on MYSELF to pay bills, and then once he gets a job let him start paying only half the bills again, so he gets plenty of extra money to spend on himself? Is that unreasonable? I know it sounds selfish but damn it. I want to spend money on ME. I don't want to pay for Damian's and Kelly's gas anymore. I mean, the reason I was so excited that Damian wasn't around anymore is because he wouldn't be there soaking up all the spare money I might have on my check. Now, all my spare money goes in twenty-dollar increments to people who barely drive me anywhere. NOW, I will have no spare money.

Let's break it down.

On average I make between $450 and $475 every two weeks.
Now that Damon lost his job, I am required to pay all bills so I'll just put the average amounts cut in two (you know, to break the bills into two-check increments so that it's easier to handle week-by-week):

Rent: $213
Cilco: ~$75
Insight: $20

So, that's about three hundred or so bucks right there. Now, my bills:

U.S. Cellular: ~40

Alright, so I have about $100 to myself for two weeks. Now, for my main expense:

Tobacco: $16 (yeah, I said it, $16 for a fortnight of nicotine. Roll your own, niggas!)

So that leaves me a little more than eighty bucks with which to amuse myself, feed myself, and give "the guys" gas money.

That fucking sucks! That fucking sucks so hard! I don't want to have to pay all of these god damned bills all by my fucking self! Why is he allowed to not have a job and help out and still live here? God damn it I am so pissed about that!

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We need something to kill the pain of all that nothing inside  
01:59pm 29/11/2007
Katie Scarlett
So much has happened since the last time I posted. Well, maybe not; it all depends on what you think is interesting or important or relevant to the growth of my person.

Matt (I got into the habit of calling him "Tony Soprano" every time I saw him, and he hated it) got transferred up to Western Ave. with Cindy so they're both there full time trying to get that store back on its feet. Matt gave me a pep talk a couple of days before he left our store, telling me that being the cool manager is all good and fine, especially considering my staff loves me and does what I ask them to with minimal (and good-natured) complaints. However, I can't let them walk all over me. I do a lot of stuff whenever I want to, helping out the cooks or servers doing little shit around the store. He says I mustn't do their jobs for them, but instead offer them firm and concise instruction on how I want them to do it. I've been trying to work on that but for a while I just didn't care about what the store looked like when I left as long as I was gone. Now, I actually do care about the quality of my work and the morale of my staff because I asked Shirley for a raise and she told me that she knows I can do my job way, way better than I have been, and if she notices a marked improvement in my work, I'll get my raise. Woot! I'm surprised I even asked her for a raise. I mean, she scares me. I was kind of expecting her to laugh in my face.

We hired some girl named Tiffany about a month ago. She didn't work out, and Shirley had her fired on Tuesday. Well, that's all good and fine because quite frankly that girl didn't have a single fucking brain cell, but it sucks because she was the closing server six nights this week (Thursday is the first day of our work week). Shirley says we (Victoria and I) can close serve and have a cook close the back of the house all by himself but man, that's going to get tired after a while. I don't even care; after she said, "You improve your quality of work and I'll improve your paychecks," I became totally ready to bust my ass at any cost. I don't really want to leave my job even though I know that I could probably pretty easily get a job anywhere that pays more than this one. My job is cake and I still love my coworkers so it's worth it to me to overcome the nausea that the backwardness of the Hut makes me feel.

Things have been hard regarding Kelly and Damian and Damon. I mean, fuck it, I don't even know why they still bother with trying to carry on relationships with me (well, Damon isn't anymore). I don't even know where to begin with that fucked up story.

Pretty much it comes down to, I've been spending a lot of time with Damian almost every day because he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about the pain that I put him through with the breakup (and surrounding circumstances). I know, I must be fucked in the head, because I put myself through hours of, "Why did you do this to me? Why is he so much better than me? Why can't I have a second chance? What did I do to deserve this pain?" for hours a day five times a week. Why did I? Damian is my best friend and I personally don't think it matters that we were together for the last almost two years. What matters to me is that he and I have a very strong friendship built on trust and situational necessity (when you're homeless you tend to let the people who travel with you imprint on you heavily). I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the friendship he and I have. We don't fuck, we don't say we love each other, we just act like best friends or perhaps close brothers and sisters.

Kelly doesn't seem to understand how it's possible that we can be friends. I mean, friends in general is okay with him but he pretty much flat out told me that my friendship with Damian will never ever work out because exes throughout history have never ever been able to be close friends. I can't understand why he has such a huge mental block about it. Anyway, it's been driving Kelly crazy that Damian's cell phone is on a plan with mine, under my name. He doesn't feel that Damian is a man because he's "having his ex pay for his cell phone." Damian claims that I'm not paying for his cell phone, his other friend Katie is (we've only gotten one bill, and he didn't have his half for it because he lost his job, so she offered to take care of his half this time), but Kelly brings up the very strong point of, "What about the next bill? Or any of the bills after that?" I kind of stand with Kelly on the fact that Katie is not going to pay his part of the bill forever. I mean, after this first bill ($240), it's only going to be like, what, $100 a month? So it wouldn't exactly kill me to pay for it, but why should I? I don't mind waiting until he can find a job and get it turned over under his own name, but how long is that going to be? Of course, he won't find a job if he doesn't have a phone; people can't call him if they want to hire him. That's why I'm willing to wait.

Please realize that Damian and Kelly haven't seen each other since about four days after I broke up with Damian (now over a month ago). All these responses that they have to each others' arguments have been said to me and passed to the other person. I try to kind of ride in the middle and defend whichever isn't there, but it is FUCKING KILLING ME.

Please stop making me defend you guys to each other
Please stop tugging so hard on my arms because they will eventually break along with my mind
I don't like having to listen to you guys bitch about each other constantly

I see both sides of any issue they have with each other, and that's the hardest part. I stand with both of them about pretty much all of their issues. Kelly said that me paying for Damian's phone is eventually going to drive him crazy and even though he doesn't want it to happen, it might irritate him to the point of where I'll have to choose between them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, and I mean it. If I have to choose, I will choose neither. I will go to Washington and probably marry Michael for the money he's making now with this new promotion and forget that I ever knew these men. Why? I know exactly what would happen if I did end up choosing. First of all, if I chose Damian, Kelly would of course never talk to me and I'd be lonely and Damian would gloat about how Kelly might have won the battle but he won the war. Damian would of course find another girlfriend and drift away and I would spend my time wondering if I threw away the one. I'm not saying that I think Kelly is the one, not by a long shot, but what if our relationship grows to that point? Plus, if I chose Kelly over Damian, Damian would probably kill himself because Kelly would never let me talk to Damian ever again. Kelly would also gloat about who got the prize in the end, and I might grow to resent him for making me choose. I'd also probably end up resenting myself for throwing away my best friend for a piece of dick.

So, needless to say, I feel a little stretched thin between Kelly and Damian. I love them both for different reasons and in varying intensity. I would never want them to hate each other, but they're SO jealous whenever I spend time with the other one. Damian thinks Kelly is doing the same thing to me that he did when we were together: Holding on way too tightly. I mean, fuck it, Kelly pretty much asks me for an itinerary of my whole day in great detail whenever he knows I've spent time with Damian and he doesn't believe me when I tell him what I do during the day. I don't mind, though. I mean, I guess Kelly has a reason to be suspicious...sort of. I cheated on my boyfriend with him, so I guess he could follow that line of thought to the obvious end point: What would stop her from cheating on me? I'm not, though. Kelly thinks Damian is manipulating me into doing his will through guilt because he can't seem to understand a close friendship between exes IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE.

Well, I have to get ready for work now and I haven't even come close to getting everything that's been on my mind out on this paper (so to speak). I suppose tomorrow there will be another installment.

Congratulations for making it all the way to the bottom!

music: Dogma - KMFDM
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