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Who's been fooling you?  
09:24pm 19/03/2008
Katie Scarlett
The car's broken down, "mysteriously". I suspect foul play, but then again, when don't I?

Still thinking about laying down in a field or the middle of a road or something. It's pretty much all I've been doing here around the homestead, what with me being too lazy to walk to find a job.

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Go on and break it  
01:38pm 14/03/2008
Katie Scarlett
I left because I was trying to help Damon. I could see in his eyes the desperation that I had two years ago. I thought I could tell that this was for real, and even though I really, really didn't want to throw everything away again, I did because I love my brother.

We needed money for our rent, because there was one month left to pay. We had only half of it readily available, so I racked my brain thinking of a solution to end my brother's pain. My mind settled on Jennette, a woman I worked with that Damian had known his entire life. She had recently broken up with her man, and she was bouncing from couch to couch until she could find a place to live. We came to her with a plan. If she pays just half of the rent, she would have this place to herself until April 30, the day our lease ends. She took the offer, and when she came over to give us the money, we told her very explicitly to not touch the computers (except mine, which was so shitty I couldn't see storing it until we got another place, so I gave it to her). Anything else, she could do with what she wanted, but Damon's and Damian's computers were off-limits. Damon's parents were to come by sometime and pick them up and keep them for us.

We had been gone for three days before Joyce (Damon's mom) came to pick up Damon's computer. That was Monday. Jennette called and said the apartment door was left wide open when she got home, and tried blaming it on Joyce and then turning around and saying that it was the maintenance guys instead. That sent flags flying for us everywhere. The maintenance guys have NEVER left our door just open. That's stupid. And why would she blame one person, and then change her story when we confronted her about it?

In the midst of all this, we went to the Alabama Gathering. Well, sort of. It was still five days before the Gathering officially started. At this point, all Damon had been doing was complain endlessly. We decided to try and spange up some more supplies, which did NOT make him happy. We left the Gathering and made it down to Montgomery (we were trying to make a round of Florida and come back after the Gathering was in full swing) when Damon decided he wanted to go home. He called his mom and they worked out a plan of sorts, and when it came down to it, we were supposed to take him home, where he had people that were willing to help him. Damian and I, not so much. That crushed me. I had given up everything I owned, for nothing. I had done the one thing I said I would never do again, for nothing. I was a homeless beggar again after a solid year of trying to improve myself, for nothing.

We tried as hard as we could to get home fast, but it seemed like every word out of Damon's mouth was, "I can't wait to get home," and "I just want to go home," and "When I get back to Illinois I'll..." and stuff like that. It was really getting to me. All the complaining, all the bad attitudes, it truly almost drove me to tell Damon to get the fuck out of the car and find his own way home if he thought he could do better. I tried to stay cheerful, I really did, but did he understand the sacrifice I made, not only physically but mentally as well? My peace of mind was gone, and all I heard in return were complaints.

I cried for a long time. I wanted to die. What was the point of going back to Pekin? What was the point of going anywhere? Why even live? I don't have the strength in me to start over again. I've done it five or six times now, starting from nothing and earning the things I want. I just wanted to lay in the middle of a road or field or something and wait until I got run over or absorbed into the earth or something. I was mostly angry that Damon didn't know himself well enough to know if he had the strength to do it.

Damian called his folks and asked them to help us. They grudgingly said we could stay in the house they are renovating, but only for two months. We got ahold of Jennette and told her that Damon would be moving back into the apartment, because he didn't have anywhere else to go. That's where things started getting really fucked up. She said she didn't think we could all be friends anymore if we lived together (and Damian and I wouldn't even be living there anyway). She said she already had a roommate. She got pissed, thinking that we were going to come home and kick her out if she didn't get rid of her roommate, which we honestly would have done in a heartbeat, if she wasn't willing to compromise. She gave us a bunch of bullshit stories trying to keep us out of here, and we told her we'd all talk when we got back.

Then, the bomb hit.

We were between St. Louis and Springfield, and Jennette sent me a text saying that the door was left wide open again and a change jar of hers and Damian's computer had come up missing. Damian's computer isn't just "a computer". It was a $3,500 custom piece of machinery, with the best of everything from a couple of years ago, and a brand new video card to boot (complimente de Katie). Our warning flags went off again and we started to wonder to ourselves. Who had been in that apartment? Jennette certainly doesn't know anything about computers. She said that "only Magen, Angie, and Brian had been in the apartment". Well, they are all idiots and don't know anything about computers either. She could have pawned it and said that she lost her change jar too in order to soften the blow. Come on, Jennette, I'm not stupid. I'm a very experienced liar. I know how to do it right and I can tell when something isn't right. But something wasn't right. Jennette said she had the computer sitting right by the TV, which was right in front of the door. If you opened the door, the first thing you should have seen was the computer. We started asking Joyce questions to try to clear the story up. Joyce said she hadn't seen his computer anywhere, but was able to tell us where every other thing in the apartment was. More and more, a looming sense of foul play descended on us.

Our door can be popped open with a credit card, if the deadbolt isn't locked. We knew that from the day we moved in. Even knowing that, we never locked the door in our apartment the entire year that we had been living here. Think about that. One year. Twelve full months. Not a single thing had been taken from our apartment, and the door was certainly never left wide open. The only conclusion we could come to was that Jennette, not expecting us to come back, had done something with the computer against our explicit instructions. I knew that there was something else though, something she hadn't told us.

We got home around one in the morning. We made a plan and went to bed. When we woke up, we took a trip up to the apartment to see what we could see. We popped the door open with a credit card because she hadn't deadbolted it. That was strange to me. If your door was left wide open two times in one week, and you had been robbed one of those times, wouldn't you start locking the door as much as you could? She had changed the locks, yes, but that was a futile gesture if you didn't lock the top lock. Anyway, we started to look around. Yes, it had been rearranged. We didn't find the ownership papers that Damian had for his computer, but we thought that maybe he had just misplaced them somewhere even though he was certain about where they were supposed to be, and yet weren't. Then, we went to every pawn shop in Pekin and Peoria to look for it, to no avail. On our way back into town, Jennette called and asked why we didn't stay when we broke into the house. I told her that we were looking for the computer that she pawned and she got pissed saying that she didn't pawn the computer and she didn't appreciate the accusations, etc, etc. Whatever, bitch. I asked her again who had been in the apartment since she left, and she said that a bunch of people had been in and out of this place to help her clean it out, and among them, Stephen, a coworker of hers and former coworker of mine.

Ah, Stephen, the missing link. The self-proclaimed huge computer geek, who wanted nothing more than an upgrade for his personal machine. All he'd have to do is look at the side of the tower (which was clear) and know that there was some serious horsepower in that box. Of course she didn't pawn it. He came by to help her clean the apartment, took one look at the computer, and greed washed over him. She probably told him he could have it. We came back here and tried to talk to her, but eventually it just ended up with us telling her to get the fuck out of our place. I told her it was cute, the whole robbery story, but it was too full of holes for us to ever believe her. She called the cops, and started talking a bunch of trash, getting up in Damon's face. She even slammed his computer over onto its side. The cops got here and she tried to get us in trouble, but they pretty much just told her to get her shit and leave. She bitched and bitched about how she was getting fucked because she selflessly paid half our rent and cleaned out the apartment (thanks but no thanks for the "favor", bitch, you certainly did clean us out), and all I could say was that I hope whatever she got for the computer, it was worth it. She said she didn't get anything, and I laughed and said that she really did fuck herself then.

After she had gone, Damon realized his expensive sound system for the computer was gone as well, and our internet router (but not the modem?) had been missing, too. All signs point to Stephen. He's the only one who would know what a router was for, and if he had just recently acquired a new computer, he'd be needing one.

But no matter. They'll get theirs.

So all in all, we have our apartment back, but at what cost?

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Women, they will come and they will go.  
04:44am 14/03/2008
Katie Scarlett
Apparently me leaving was a personal affront to Kitty, both times.

I hate women. All women. It doesn't matter, if you have a vagina, I probably hate you.

I should probably place the hatred where it belongs, on myself, but you know what? It's easier to blame others. I learned that from Damon.

I'm so exhausted. I just want to lay down and drift away to another place. Does that mean I'm suicidal? I'm indifferent to the idea of life or death. If I knew where a razor was I'd probably take up cutting. I'm tired of trying to scramble out of this hole because no matter what happens, I'm pissing someone off or making someone unhappy or what the fuck ever and I'm just tired of it.

I guess all my complaining doesn't matter because the only thing that does matter is all the bad things I've done and all the hurt I've caused to others. My inner turmoil isn't meant to be considered or even acknowledged.

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Freaks of the night, we get high, we don't die  
03:23pm 07/03/2008
Katie Scarlett
We're leaving. Damon will kill himself if he doesn't get out. I, well, I guess I don't need an excuse to disappear anymore. My dad said my mom might be coming home and if she does, I'll come back of course. For a little while.

Sorry to everybody I started to have a friendship with, but never quite followed through.

You don't know how good this feels.

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Maybe I'm the one  
11:55pm 27/02/2008
Katie Scarlett
Damon went to his probation meeting, where the question of whether or not he's going to jail was supposed to arise. It did; he had the choice of 45 days or another year of probation. He took the probation. I would have been okay with that, if he didn't tell me why he chose it. He said that he wouldn't have a job or anywhere to live when he got out.

Damian and I kept telling him to just take the time, get it over with, and be a free man once again. For fuck's sake, he's been on probation, what, four or five years now? We've also made it clear, or so I thought, that he wouldn't have to worry about where to live because we're here for him. Well, he said he took the probation time, and Damian asked him why, and so Damon told him. WTF? I was thinking. No job, yeah that sucks, but no place to live? I don't understand where the miscommunication was at. We said he DID have a place to live. "Well, things change," Damon said, with a smug, knowing look on his face.

That hurt me so much, I can't even describe the pain. What does Damon think I am, if not his family? Has he just been lying to me this whole time? I don't understand what I did to make him think otherwise. Was I just deluding myself, and he just keeps me around because I'm on the lease and pay bills? Does he not even care about our friendship? Does he think I don't care?

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My Japanese is better  
04:12pm 26/02/2008
Katie Scarlett
Fuck yeah, I do.

Got sort of drunk last night, and have been paying for it all morning. That's all you need to know.

Don't want to go to work.

I tried to call off yesterday because I swear to god I was working, but Ayten sort of yelled at me and told me I was off anyway. They change the schedule there so often, I can't keep track of it. When I initially wrote it down, I was supposed to work at 5 on Monday. Then, it changed to 11:30. Then, I'm off? What the fuck.

Getting a Harry Potter-themed sleeve soon. Maybe or maybe not before the nipple piercings. It all depends on how much the component parts of the tattoo will cost separately, vs. the two sets of nipple piercings.

I found the perfect drawing of Voldemort and Nagini.Collapse ) I begged the artist for permission to use it, because it's exactly what I imagined.

Now I have to get ready for work. I hate working with Debbie and Gary, and yet, I still have to work with them today.

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I love you but I fuck your friends at the same time, all at once, we have fun, we clusterfuck  
09:35pm 18/02/2008
Katie Scarlett
Don't talk to me or I will kill you. You know who you are. You think I wouldn't?

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Whatever happened to that night I gave it to you? What will I do with it now?  
05:53am 18/02/2008
Katie Scarlett
I went on a sort of date thing with Kitty's brother Rob last night. The first thing he said was, "OMGZORZ It's like a blast from the past!" I never really felt close to him the last time we knew each other, though; he was just my best friend's drunk brother. Then, we went to Denny's and I saw him in the light for the first time in a long time, and it almost killed me to look at him.

I never really realized how alike they are. Even their smiles are the same. Okay, Kitty's is prettier, but that's probably because she doesn't feel as awkward around me as I'm sure Rob did last night.

We had a pretty fun night. I saw Jumper again, which is totally okay with me because all the other movies at the theater sucked and Jumper was awesome, so yeah.

He doesn't seem to want to have a girlfriendly-type girl hanging around him, so that's good. I really just want more friends, but what if he ends up wanting to take the friendship further? Do I have the strength of character to be like, No, Rob, dating me is the totally last thing you want to do unless you want your entire life destroyed again? I don't know if I do, but I don't want to start a random conversation out of nowhere about us dating if that's not even on his mind, because that would just be weird. I've been weird around him in general since we started talking though, so maybe he would just go with the flow.

When he dropped me off, I leaned over and offered my cheek for a kiss, and he kissed it. I felt really weird after that; I think he did too. He said he wouldn't have done it if he thought it would have been out of line or awkward, though, and I believe him. Maybe I shouldn't over-think it.

In other news:

I think I might be the Rookie of the Year at my workplace because not only did I tell them that the job everyone hates to do (take down the salad bar) was my favorite one, I also told Ayten (my boss) that I want to close five nights a week. Judging from the sentiment I've noticed from my coworkers about closing, they will all be very much relieved and excited. Fuck it, I just want the hours.

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Could you be loved? Then be loved.  
02:11am 16/02/2008
Katie Scarlett
I've been doing some reading, and I found a man who has some of the most well-spoken and (I believe) correct philosophies:

"It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful. Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity. It depends on people going along with whatever they are told. The media promotes a cultivated stupidity as a posture that is not only acceptable but laudable."

"Solipsism--Projecting your reactions, responses and sensibilities onto someone who is probably far less attuned than you are. It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy and respect that you naturally give them. They won’t. Instead, [we] must strive to apply the dictum of 'Do unto others as they do unto you.' It’s work for most of us and requires constant vigilance lest you slip into a comfortable illusion of everyone being like you."

"There can be no more myth of 'equality' for all—it only translates to 'mediocrity' and supports the weak at the expense of the strong. Water must be allowed to seek its own level without interference from apologists for incompetence. No one should be protected from the effects of his own stupidity."

"If churches were taxed for all their income and property, they’d crumble overnight of their own obsolescence, and the National Debt would be wiped out as quickly. The productive, the creative, the resourceful should be subsidized. So long as the useless and incompetent are getting paid, they should be heavily taxed."

Know who it is?

This should be enough of a raging hard clue:


1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!

2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams!

3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!

4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!

5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek!

6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires!

7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his 'divine spiritual and intellectual development,' has become the most vicious animal of all!

8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!

9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!

Yep, Anton LaVey.

I think I've been a Satanist my whole life, and plan on reading (and practicing) much, much more of what he's written. No, I'm really being serious.

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Nobody has to know, you keep it on the low, you meet them right at four  
04:02pm 14/02/2008
Katie Scarlett
Kelly found out "somehow" that I had slept with Damian. I think the whole story's a bunch of bull shit but whatever. The end result is that for the rest of his life, Kelly will think I'm a worthless whore, and never talk to me again. I kinda expected it to happen eventually, so it's not exactly like I'm bothered by it. I mean, he pointed it out himself that we were pushing him out of "the family" and it was only a matter of time that we just forgot about him. Well, I guess he was right. He came over last night really fucked up and it gave me a chance to evaluate what happened, and be okay with the fact that I'll never see him again. He was at his worst last night, and it was easy to look at him and be disgusted and not want to see him again, either. I'm sure that's the exact reason he wanted to come over last night anyway: to get a chance to look at me and be disgusted. That's how it happens I guess.

I learned that I'm a habitual liar. Well, I always knew I was but I suppose now I'm admitting it to myself and others. Watch out, everyone. I don't know how I can be so bland about it. My new personal quest is distinguishing the outright lies I tell from genuine changes in my feelings. That probably doesn't make sense to you, my reader, but that's okay. The brain things I've been doing in my head would seem repetitive and dull if I told them to you as candidly and forthrightly as I could. Also, maybe a little horrifying. I don't think I think like a normal person. A lot of things don't bother me that would bother most people, or at least that's what I get from peoples' reactions when I talk to them openly. Maybe I'm just reading too much into what's going on. Maybe Occam was right, and the simplest answer is the best. Now I have to ask myself, is the simplest answer really the one I think it is? Or is it so simple I can't see it yet? That's why I've been trying to recruit people to be around me and help me be better.

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